The old pastor's last request:

The old pastor of the national cathedral in Washington lay dying. He sent a message for Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid to come to the hospital.  When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room,the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both Ms. Pelosi and Mr. Reid were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, Senator Reid asked, 'Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?'

The old pastor mustered all his strength, then said weakly, 'Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I'd like to go.'

Gal 4:16  Am I therefore become your enemy, because I tell you the truth?

Intelligence of a Government Dog Employee

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

The first man was an Engineer.

The second man was an Accountant.

The third man was a Chemist.

The fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his dog “T-square” over to do her stuff.

The dog pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen, then promptly drew a circle, a squar, and a triangle.

Everybody agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog, “Spreadsheet” over and told her to do her stuff. The dog went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. She then divided them into four equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everybody agreed that was pretty good.

But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog “Measure” and told her to do her stuff.  The dog got up, walked over to the refrigerator, and got out a quart of milk. She then took a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8-ounces of milk into the glass without spilling a drop.

Everybody agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your dog do?”

The Government Employee called his dog and said, “Coffeebreak….do your stuff!”

Coffeebreak jumped to his feet.

He ate the cookies.

He drank the milk

He pooped on the paper…and then claimed he injured his back while doing so.

He then filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions….then put in for Workers Compensation and then went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

Which is why every dog wants to work for the Government!

(Thanks to Val Reed of Wilcox NE for submitting this dog revisal!)

I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned it to the dealer yesterday, because I couldn't get the radio to work.  The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated, 'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.  The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'  'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the  speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My  Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,

'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but  I swerved in time to avoid them.  I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'  Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States."

Damn I love this truck....

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of  Israel, "pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land."

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land."

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land.

Can everyone look at their calendar and make sure it does not say December?

With all of the Conservative victories of late, it sure feels like Christmas (i.e., ACORN, Tea Parties, etc.)

ROBOT BARTENDER

A guy goes into a bar and there is a robot bartender. The robot says, “What will you have?”  The guy says “Martini.”  The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, “What’s your IQ?”  The guy says, “168.”  The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini". Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "So... You people still happy you voted for Obama?"

That about sums it up....

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.  We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.  I called him a Nazi turd.  He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.   So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Along the campaign trail, Obama's motorcade slowly drove down the street of a quiet small town back road. Up ahead Obama spotted a boy about the age of seven sitting beside a box and a sign that said free kittens. Obama has the driver pull over so he could get out and see the kittens.

Obama goes up to the boy, "Hey there little boy, can I see your kittens?"

"Sure thing" and the boy holds up the box for Obama to see.

"These kittens are so cute. Aren't they too young to be away from their mother? What kind of kittens are they?" Obama asks.

The boy agreed "Yes, you are right. They are too young to leave their mother yet and maybe I should wait a week. They are Democrat Kittens."

"Oh, Democrat Kittens. That is so cute." Obama exclaimed.

The next week, Obama thought about the remark the boy made the week before and thought he could use this to futher his campaign. He got together a video camera crew,  and instructed his driver to go back to the small town and pull over beside the boy with the kittens. Upon seeing the boy, Obama jumped out of the limo with the video camera crew.

The boy chimed out, "Hi again sir. Did you decide you want a kitten?"

"Sorry son. I already promised my daughters a dog, but I was hoping you could tell my friends here with the video cameras what kind of kittens you have?"

"Why sure. These are Republican kittens."

Puzzled by the change, Obama inquired, "Republican kittens? Last week they were Democrat kittens. Why the change?"

"Well sir, last week their eyes weren't open"

C O W S 

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls.  But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United  States Capitol this Christmas season.  This isn't for any religious reason.  They simply  have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.  A search for a Virgin continues.  There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.